How To Support Someone With Infertility The Right Way
As the holidays approach, the spirit of joy and family can feel starkly out of reach for those struggling with infertility. The constant reminders of babies, children, and pregnant bellies can be a painful reminder of the ongoing tumultuous journey of infertility. If you have a friend or family member in the trenches of infertility, family events and holidays can be especially difficult. Christmas and Mother’s Day were especially difficulty for me personally. As an IVF mom with 5 years of infertility under her belt, I want to offer you some actionable easy to implement tips to support your loved ones.
1. Lend a Listening Ear:
Sometimes, the best way to show support is simply to listen. If you have the capacity and space to hold, offering an open vent sesh can be incredibly validating for someone in the infertility world. Withholding judgment and critical comments is crucial. Ask open ended questions and allow them a platform to just openly speak about whatever’s on their mind. You may not understand all of it, but I can guarantee creating space for someone to express themselves is invaluable.
2. Be Patient and Understanding:
Infertility is a long and emotionally draining journey. Be patient with your friend or family member, and understand that they may not always feel up to talking about what’s going on. Don't force conversations or pressure them to open up if they're not ready, but offer space for them to express themselves freely as described in detail above. Many people are processing the trauma of their infertility years down the road.
3. Offer Practical Help:
Sometimes, the simplest gestures can make a big difference. Offer to help with errands, chores, cooking, cleaning, or childcare. (Yes, secondary infertility after the birth of a child is a real thing!) If you notice that your friend or family member has become particularly withdrawn, a gesture of practical help such as picking up a grocery order or a dinner gift card can mean the world to them. Send a lasagna, drop off some bagels and coffee for breakfast, or perhaps even pop over to mow their grass to free up some of their time to take care of themselves.
4. The McDonald’s Superstition:
Believe it or not, there's a superstition in the IVF community about McDonald's french fries! Eating them on the day of an embryo transfer is thought to bring good luck. Two different ways to approach this: send over a McDonald’s gift card as a show of support for their embryo transfer, or let them know you’re eating fries in solidarity. The show of support will absolutely not go unnoticed.
5. Words of Affirmation:
Let your friend know that you care and that you are there for them. A simple text message saying "Thinking of you today" or "Sending you a virtual hug" can go a long way. Be mindful of their emotional state and offer words of encouragement, affirmation, and support. I’m referencing the 5 love languages here, because not everyone wants a physical hug as a show of support.
6. Respect the Silence:
Isolation is common during infertility. For me, it was my defense mechanism to protect myself, and it was more comforting to withdraw than to talk. Please don't take it personally if your friend or family member needs some space. Respect the silence if they don't immediately respond to your messages or invitations. Expect the silence, and allow them time to process and respond on their own terms. Understand if they want to stay in their bubble. Sometimes, simply knowing you're there for them when they're ready is enough.
7. Exercise Caution with Pregnancy Announcements:
The holidays are a time for celebration, but surprise pregnancy announcements can be incredibly painful for someone struggling with infertility. If you're expecting, give your friend or family member a heads-up before the big reveal. This allows them the time and space to process the news and experience their emotions in their preferred way. Remember, they will be happy for you, but they will also need to grieve for their own journey.
Important tip: Pregnancy announcements are a separate topic, but I highly encourage you to share your pregnancy announcement via text message ahead of time to remove the added pressure of masking grief in person. Many infertile folks prefer time and space to process a pregnancy announcement as they’ll be grieving their own experience while they’re simultaneously excited for you.
8. Celebrate Together, But Be Mindful:
While it's important to acknowledge the holidays, be mindful of your friend's emotional state. Avoid activities that might trigger their grief, such as baby showers or events with lots of children. Choose activities that are inclusive and focus on quality time together. Often, a curated option such as “would you rather celebrate with lunch or a little get together just us?” is incredibly supportive.
9. Offer Resources and Support Groups With A Grain Of Salt:
If you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to best support your loved one, there are resources available. Recommend online support groups, local infertility communities, or therapy options if the suggestion is shared with love and understanding rather than a last resort. Sharing resources can empower them to find individualized support they may need. Not everyone feels supported when certain resources are shared, so be mindful to know your audience before making suggestions of any kind. (What NOT to do is a completely separate post!)
10. Small Gestures Matter:
The most important thing is to show your love and support in whatever way feels right for your specific friend or family member. Whether it's a thoughtful text, a listening ear, or a practical helping hand, your supportive presence alone can make a significant difference in their journey.
This holiday season, let's be mindful of those around us who are struggling with infertility. By offering our support, understanding, and love, we can support them in navigating a painful and grief filled journey through infertility in the most individually best way possible.